What’s the point of a job? To make money, of course, so you can retire. To take it easy. To watch reruns of “The Dukes of Hazard” on TV-Land. To be lazy. I say, why wait? Start now.
To get out of work, one should never appear sloth-like. Don’t get caught taking a nap, for example. That would only encourage wives and those of Calvinist leanings to bug the crap out of you. No, keeping your cuticles clean and hands soft requires charm and creativity, a deft touch, and a dash of savoir-faire.
The best way to get out of work is to get others to do it for you. This is not as easy as it sounds. It requires shamelessly appearing to be incompetent. Even if you know how to do something, hold back. Given half a chance, Good Samaritans will jump in and do the job for you. All you have to do is get out of their way.
I learned this lesson quite by accident two decades ago. One of my tires went flat over on Lover’s Lane, during a blizzard. Without gloves, I fumbled in vain to get the jack positioned under the car. Then I couldn’t get the spare out of the trunk. I struggled for the better part of an hour before help appeared, in form of a skinny guy with a weathered face, wearing an old varsity jacket from a high school I had never heard of. He got me on the road again within ten minutes. All the more amazing when you consider….he had only one arm.
I know what you’re thinking: what kind of person allows a one-armed man to change his tire for him in a blizzard? You haven’t been listening: a shameless, incompetent one! Besides, I had created a classic “win-win” situation. The one-armed man, undoubtedly depressed because his career as a juggler had been cut short because of a freak industrial accident, was probably on his way to commit suicide or see his therapist. Instead, he drove home, bragged to his wife he had saved a two-armed man from hypothermia, and made one-armed love to her. I, on the other hand, got toasty warm in my car.
One of the best ways to avoid work is to not own any tools. If you do own tools, throw them away. If someone gives you tools for Christmas, return them. Also, if you do get conned into doing work, make sure it’s done half-assed. Recently, the nozzle in my shower got plugged with iron sediment. After a few weeks of my wife pointing this out, I sprang into action. I expertly removed the nozzle with one of those adjustable wrenches you can make bigger or smaller. Then I covered the pipe opening with duct tape and punched holes in it with a fork. My wife says living with me is a challenge.
Recently I discovered a Holy new way to avoid manual labor. I call it my “rotating religion.” Here’s how it works. On Friday, I’m Orthodox Jew. I can’t do chores, but can light candles. On Saturday, I switch to Seventh Day Adventist. Again, no chores. On Sunday, I become strict Dutch Reformed, where I can’t even drink, unless I do it in private. Throw in other sacred days such as Easter, Ramadan, Christmas, Hanukkah, and Cinco de Mayo, and you can see why I’m just way too busy to fix that eaves trough that’s falling off the house.
There’s another way of getting out of work. Write. Writing isn’t really work. It can take your mind anywhere you want. When you write, you don’t worry about work, health, or your 401k. It’s like golf, but cheaper. Anyway, I’ve gotten out of enough work for today. Time to quit and turn on the tube. Daisy Duke beckons.