You turn on the TV. You scroll. You fly past infomercials for “Dr Pimple Popper” and “Do You Have Craggy Skin.” You pause at a Time-Life program featuring the timeless music of Hank Snow and Loretta Lynn. You conclude broadcast TV airs only three shows that have plots: NCIS, NCIS, and of course, NCIS. You play along with their premise that gun fights erupt every twenty minutes, bad guys are horrendously bad shots, and underlings of “Gibbs” always get surprised when he sneaks up on them.
The drug ads come next. You watch an old guy push his granddaughter on a swing in a field of daisies. If the volume was muted, you wouldn’t know if it was an ad for COPD or bladder leakage. The announcer jumps in: “Do you have unsightly toenail fungus?” he inquires. “Ask your doctor about Xowipiciah.” The scenes flash to Grandpa walking his dog, helping his wife in the kitchen, and finally, being evicted from his home because he went broke paying for Xowipiciah.
The ad ends with a cautionary note: “Possible side effect include delirium, diphtheria, Hypothermia, hypochondria, your man-parts may fall off, itchy ears, death, and dry mouth. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Xowipiciah, blah, blah, blah…
The next commercial comes on. This time the spokesman is an attorney. “Have you or a loved one taken Xowipiciah? You may be entitled to compensation.”
Many slackers and ne’er-do-gooders, who never even had toenail fungus, holler at the TV, “Yes, that’s me! I want free money!”
Wait a minute! Is suing each other the only path to prosperity? What happened to the American Work Ethic when, in order to get free money, you had to jimmy a door with a pry bar made of, dare I say, American iron?
As society’s values have gone down the tube, I consider that maybe I’m just getting old. But how do I know? And how do you know? Here’s my “top ten” that complete the sentence “You know you’re getting old when…..”
1. You grow nose hair so quickly you’ve been accused of snorting Rogaine.
2. You hope the cashier will ask for your driver’s license to prove you qualify for the senior discount.
3. You use a flip phone
4. But you wish you had a Jitterbug.
5. You like it when Bobby and Sissy dance the Jitterbug on the Lawrence Welk Show. Especially when Bobby hoists Sissy high up in the air.
6. You spend hours agonizing why “backyard” is one word and “front yard” is two.
7. You keep your TV glued to regular stations, afraid to switch to Roku because it might get stuck there and your kids aren’t home.
8. You take pills of almost every color, including the “Purple Pill.” You’re concerned you don’t have one that’s “Avocado Green.”
9. You wish the geezer in the drug ad, the one swinging his granddaughter, would clutch his chest and drop dead. Of COPD.
10. But not before the attorney.
If you scored a Perfect 10, join the club — you’re Officially Old. Come over to my house Saturday night. Lawrence Welk will be on.