Have you ever cut through the cosmetics section at Macy’s? You’ll know you’re in the vicinity when you spot Macy customers that have collapsed, clawing at their throats, gasping for air. Young women in heavy makeup stand by, on the ready, in white lab coats, oblivious to air so thick with perfume you could swim through it if you made breaststroke motions.
There are three or four cosmetic counters, each sponsored by a competing brand: Calvin Klein, Estee Lauder, Elizabeth Arden, and of course, Urban Decay. Wait a minute! Is “Urban Decay” really a cosmetics brand? Sure enough. Check out the flirty copy on their website at www.urbandecay.com.
Feminine, a little dangerous and a lot of fun. Urban Decay offers high-performance cosmetics like eye shadow, eyeliner, primer, lipstick, foundation and more.
The site goes on to describe beauty products a modern woman or perhaps streetwalker couldn’t possibly live without: “Perversion Mascara,” “Naked Eye Shadow,” and the oxymoronic “Naked Concealer.” I figured why stop there? If there are some fledging cosmetics companies out there looking for an edgy name not yet taken, I have a few ideas.
1. Crack House 2. Meth B Us 3. Le Stinky Pig Ferme 4. Diarrhea Attack 5. Gary, Indiana
I remember as a kid when TV ads for Playtex Cross-Your-Heart bras would come on. As the announcer talked about “lifting and separating,” my brothers and I got kind of excited. We wanted to know more. Lifting and separating what? My dad, embarrassed by the whole affair, would shift nervously in his chair, clear his throat, and say something like, “………How about them Tigers?”
Truly, if my dad was alive today, he’d be spinning in his grave. No, he wouldn’t. He’d be clawing at the felt lining of his casket, trying to get out! But when he got out, he’d wonder when it was we became shock-proof. Was it when Dennis Rodman became a de facto diplomat by visiting North Korea? Or was it when Lady Gaga got naked and dressed up in meat?
One thing’s for sure, he wouldn’t go to Macy’s and buy my mom a bottle of Urban Decay perfume.