Imagine you’re in a book store, just browsing. You find a book entitled The Works of William Shakespeare, Volume IV. You open it up to a random page and start reading:
To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
blah blah blah blah blah blah
After you pick yourself up off the floor because you fell asleep whilst reading it, you grab another book, this one called Forbidden Loins. You flip it open.
Mabel’s eyes met Floyd’s, transfixed for three or four seconds, but it might as well have been an eternity, except they shouldn’t waste time because, as residents of the retirement home, either one could die any minute from a stroke. The next few minutes were a whirlwind. Before she knew it, Mabel was standing there in her briefs made from virgin cotton, a dichotomy if there ever was one. Because of his arthritic hands, Floyd at first had difficulty with her bra, but finally removed it with some wire cutters he found in his toolbox. He reached for a can of Crisco that happened to be on the living room floor.
Quick — which book do you buy? It’s a proven fact: nine out of ten Americans will sprint to the cash register with a copy of Forbidden Loins in their hands! The other one out of ten is still in the bookstore, arms shaking, trying in vain to hoist the twenty-pound Shakespeare book into their shopping bag.
This proves a point I’ve made for a long time. People who like Shakespeare are weaklings. HA! HA! Not actually. My real point is people pretend to like and understand Shakespeare because their peers, who are also pretending to like Shakespeare, might think less of them. So everyone ends up going on and on about how great Shakespeare is, even though they secretly hate him.
The lesson here is even if you don’t like this blog, pretend you do. That way, I’ll sell lots of pop-up ads and make a fortune. Who knows, I may even write a book. It will be at the bookstore, next to Forbidden Loins.