Ever eat monkey brains? If, by chance, you have, maybe you’d also like to sit down before a heaping helping of suckers. If you’re having trouble remembering what suckers are, they’re the lethargic fish that swim upstream in wildebeest numbers to lay their eggs when you go canoeing in the spring. That’s where any similarity to other fish comes to an end.
The sucker is one of those fish that’s hard to love, easy to kill. Perhaps the ugliest fish ever created by a god who was obviously taking a coffee break at the time, it’s a six to eight inch bottom-feeder whose attractiveness would not be improved by a haircut and a dash of cologne. Lower in the food chain than even a bullhead or Asian carp, its downward curled lips are perfect for vacuuming up unmentionables from the bottom, such as fish poop and the late Jimmy Hoffa who could still be alive, but I doubt it. The sucker features a slimy exterior, more skin-like than scale-like. And its eyes are buggy. It’s so disgusting you don’t feel any guilt whatsoever when whacking one to death with a canoe paddle. They just come up to the side of your canoe and say in fish language, “Come on, whack me to death with your canoe paddle. I dare you” So you do.
A few weirdoes actually eat the thing. Old timer weirdoes that live up near the Rifle River say stuff like, “The sucker is actually a delicacy. All you have to do is slice it here, and remove the backbone like this, wash out the guts with bleach to get rid of that gamey taste, deep fry it in bacon grease, garnish with capers. . .”
But the other way to prepare it, a favorite with the locals, is to simply remove the head, or maybe keep it on, and beat the damn thing with a hammer, as you might tenderize a steak. Pound the flesh, liver, stomach, eggs, bones, etc. into oblivion, creating a “patty,” also known as a pate,’ roll in flour, season with a quart of extra hot pepper sauce, and deep-fry it in the same vat of grease as your Tater Tots. The final bite-sized morsels come out round, so people up that way call them “Sucker Balls.”
I’m lying, of course. People don’t really eat suckers. But if they did, they might also be enticed by two new Jerry Howell Culinary Creations, inspired by my wife having recently left me (for a week on business). Both entrees can be made with the fresh ingredients already in your refrigerator, or perhaps the not-so-fresh that are hidden behind that year-old jar of half-eaten sauerkraut. My first creation is called 5-Step Cottage Cheese & Bean Surprise.
1. Take a bunch of cottage cheese and scrape off green mold
2. Combine with equal amount of canned beans (brown)
3. Stir it up
4. Oh yeah, make sure it’s large curd, otherwise it will be no good
5. Eat
My second recipe is called Five Step Kale Spaghetti-O Surprise. Here’s how you make it.
1. Take kale
2. Throw it away because kale sucks
3. Open can of Spaghetti-o’s
4. Eat over sink
5. Finish with Beer
Think of the carbon footprint you leave every time you turn on your stove to cook up regular food or even a batch of monkey brains. My way, you won’t wreck the climate or leave the kitchen a mess. Tell you what, the next time my wife leaves me to my own devices, I’ll come over to your house.
I’ll bring the suckers and we’ll make it a potluck.