The other day I came home in the middle of the afternoon to surprise my wife Liz. But it was me who was surprised, shocked actually. I caught her red-handed, watching an inappropriate cable TV show. They were actually showing a couple, a man and a woman…..fixing up their house. And they weren’t fighting.
“We should do that!” Liz enthused, her eyes still Super-glued to the TV show Rehab Addict. “We could take out a wall and open up the space between the family room and the dining room. We could do a lot of the work ourselves!”
Liz’ words hung in the air like Lysol Spray as she realized how ludicrous her idea was. Snapping her back to reality was the realization she was married to the world’s un-handiest husband, someone not even as handy as Albert the space monkey, who in 1949 was shot skyward aboard a V2 rocket and would have survived his return to earth had someone like me not folded his parachute.
A lot of guys take pride in their manly handiness. They hang out at auto parts stores and lumber yards and discuss grommets and gear ratios. If I have to buy a tool, which is never, I roll up in my hybrid and insert it between a couple pick-up trucks invariably packed with tool boxes, chain saws, and maybe some rocks. I saunter to the counter, lower my voice, and ask if I can purchase a screwdriver– you know, the kind with the pointy little star on the end.
Does my wife even bother with a honey-do list? Do my neighbors ring my doorbell and ask for help? Does Habitat for Humanity beg me to volunteer? Of course not! They know I’m incompetent. In fact, I use my incompetence to get other people to do my work for me. I remember I once had a flat tire during a blizzard, before I got road service. I managed to locate my spare, one of those pizza pan temporary tires they used to have. I got it out, fumbled with the jack, and struggled mightily on the side of the road. I froze my butt off for a good hour, hopeless and helpless. Finally a Good Samaritan, feeling sorry for me, stopped and changed my tire for me. Meanwhile, I got toasty warm in my car. Oh, did I mention my benefactor had one arm in a cast?
“That’s shameless!” you’re probably thinking. “How could you take advantage of someone who had the use of only one arm?” Easy! After all, did I get my tire changed? Yes! And did my one-armed friend discover a new sense of confidence and vigor? Again, the answer is “Yes.” A classic “win-win” situation if there ever was one.
Some say idle hands are the devil’s workshop. I say tools are. If you own tools, give them to your neighbor so he can use them to fix your stuff. If someone gives you tools for Christmas, tell them it’s against your religion to accept gifts. If you’re cornered and forced to fix something, make a complete mess of it. Use duct tape for everything, even plumbing. Once, when asked to fix a leaky nozzle in the shower, I took it down to bare pipe, covered the end with duct tape, and punched holes in it with a fork. Did my wife appreciate my effort? NO. Instead she called her brother, Mr. DIY, who drove to the store, found the right nozzle, and screwed it on. Again, was this shameless on my part? Yes. But at least he had the use of both arms.
There’s another nifty way of getting out of work. Get a hobby, such as knee surgery. Over the last ten years, I’ve had three “scopes,” one ACL, and a total knee replacement. Each time the doctor advised me to not climb ladders, squat, or lift heavy weights. But I could go to rehab under the guidance of young, physically-fit female therapists; you know, to prepare for my next knee mishap. Along the way, I have noticed a subtle change in my wife’s attitude, evolving from sympathetic to not-so-sympathetic to wanting-to-kill-me. I have no doubt that when I die, my wife, fearing I’ll rehab my way out of death, will close the lid on my coffin, nail it shut, and wrap the whole thing in duct tape.
By the way, if your wife ever comes up with crazy remodeling ideas such as fixing the nozzle in your shower, there is something you can do. Fake your own death. No, don’t do that. Instead, take her to the Kalamazoo Home Expo & Garden Show March 9-12 at the Kalamazoo Fairgrounds. It’s silly to chase contractors all over town – not when you can corner them all in one place. You’ll find professionals who can do everything from landscaping to lighting, from kitchens to water purification, from roofing & siding to a three-season room. They’ll even show up on time.
But before you do anything, call the cable company and have them put a block on HGTV.
