Sleep apnea is becoming very popular. It happens when you’re in deep sleep and your soft pallet droops down, blocking your airways. You choke and gag , stop breathing for a minute or two. Then you can wake up dead. Many famous people have died this way. Notables include Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead and Mama Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papa’s. Garcia was reportedly not grateful at being dead. And word has it that Elliot may have choked on a ham sandwich, which in a way was a victory for vegetarianism. Both performers would have made swell public service announcements. Alas, they cannot talk. They’re dead.
But I’m not dead so I can tell you all about it.
I remember the night that convinced me I had sleep apnea. I was all tucked in, minding my own business, dreaming of countryside manors, summer days and the orgy scene from Game of Thrones, when BAM! I couldn’t breath , I flayed, I choked, I looked up. What did I see? My wife Liz! She was trying to smother me with a pillow! She said she was driven to it because of my snoring.
If this is you, your wife will explain that, yes, maybe she was trying to kill you., but she was doing so in a loving manner. It was her way of getting you to have a sleep study done. Her suggestion sounded better than a trip to the urologist, so you make an appointment. Besides, a sleep-over sounds like fun. Forget that. Five minutes after you check in, a nurse Super-glues a mass of wires to your head, chest, back, and anyplace a hair follicle might peek out. This is so they can rip out some of your skin later on. The wires, all firmly positioned to prevent you from moving, transmit data to your sleep doctor who we’ll call “Dr. Sandman.”
Incidentally, Dr. Sandman is doing what any sane individual is doing at 2:00 in the morning. He’s home sleeping. But after a couple weeks, they clinic will call you for a follow-up appointment. Dr. Sandman will tell you that you almost died a hundred times during the sleep study, but don’t worry, you probably won’t die tonight. Just don’t bet on it.
Fortunately, there is a cure for sleep apnea. It’s called a “C-Pap mask.” It’s a bedside device that blows pressurized air down your gullet, thus preventing the soft pallet from blocking your airways. Upon bringing the device home, you will realize how simple the directions are.
Simply attach Fastener- B to Tab-A; Accoutrement B-12 to auxiliary Strap EV, insert water reservoir into containing unit, and program air pressure extrapolator based on your knowledge of quantum physics.
You’re now set for the first restful night you’ve had in ages. At first you might feel self-conscious in front of your wife because of the mask and all the hoses, straps, and fasteners. After all, no one wants to make love to someone who looks like Hannibal Lector and sounds like Darth Vader.
But it beats a dead guy.