Most people don’t like to wait around at the airport. But with a little creativity, you can actually enjoy waiting for your flight.
Most airlines recommend you arrive at the airport two hours before departure. Let’s say you’re flying out of Detroit Metro. From Kalamazoo, this necessitates leaving home approximately two days beforehand because you must drive to the airport, leave extra time in case you have a flat tire, park the car, take a shuttle to the terminal, check your bags, and clear security. Once in line at Security, unnecessary delays can be avoided by not setting off airport metal detectors, so don’t wear any metal. It’s best to not wear a belt, cufflinks, watch, or zipper in your pants. As a precaution, you’ll also want to remove the fillings from your teeth and, if you have one, your pacemaker. Wear baggy sweatpants, sweatshirt, sneakers, and at least four pairs of underwear. The extra underwear will come in handy in case the airline loses your luggage.
Once you have passed through security and made your way to your gate, you’ll benefit by having worn “casual attire.” This will help you achieve a primary goal—falling asleep. Since your plane will be delayed, you’ll have lots of time to kill. You may want to grab a three or four hour cat nap. Find yourself a cozy corner, away from foot traffic. Behind a waste receptacle is best. Remember, when you’re at an airport, no one will know you, so it’s impossible to get embarrassed. Airport-sleeping is a learned skill. Noise is really an amalgamation of lots of little annoying noises: snippets of random conversations, the sound of luggage being pulled, and the obligatory pre-recorded recordings informing you that unattended luggage will be shot at dawn. Dealing with this auditory chaos means you have to merge all the annoying sounds into a solitary background sound. Create your own “white noise” and then mentally transport yourself to a place far away, perhaps a beach where the only sounds are the crashing surf and cawing of seagulls. It’s purely coincidental you just consumed three Tequila Sunrises.
When you wake up, you’ll probably have to go to the bathroom. This can be daunting if you have to go “Numero Dos.” You must first squeeze inside a stall the size of a sun-tanning booth, simultaneously juggling your carry-on luggage and overcoat. The door always swings to the inside so you have to take tiny South Park steps to even get in. You cover the toilet seat, do your business, and leap off the toilet. Leaping is advisable because the automatic “flusher” will probably engage prematurely, with a force powerful enough to suck you into the Detroit River, or at the very least make your butt wet. Of course, the flusher might not function at all, in which case the person waiting to occupy the stall after you will see your poop and think you’re really nasty.
Once back at the gate, you may become agitated by fellow passengers yapping on their cell phones. You’re just sitting there, minding your own business when some jerk plops down and calls his wife. He launches into a riveting conversation about the fact that he is indeed “at the airport” or his flight has been “delayed again.” Strike back. Engage in cell phone warfare of your own. Speak into your phone with an even louder voice: “Yes, dear. I am feeling better. No, I don’t think it’s contagious. Uh huh…most of the diarrhea has passed.”
But let’s say no one is bothering you, so there’s nothing to do. What then? How can you engage in high jinks and hopefully not get arrested? Here’s an idea. Include in your carry-on bag a pair of navy trousers, a light blue shirt, a pilot’s hat, and a set of plastic wings they give the kids. Go to the men’s room and change. Then head to a gate where lots of people are waiting, stopping at a bar first to douse yourself with beer. Slurring your words, ask loudly, to no one in particular, “Is this the gate for Flight 323?” Remember, you’re not actually saying you’re a pilot. Nor are you even drunk. Watch the fun commence as passengers seek out the nearest armed security personnel.
Assuming everyone involved has a sense of humor, you’ve now made it to your destination. But are you done messing with The Man? Not hardly. For one last practical joke, you’ll want to smear your shirt with ketchup and jump onto the luggage conveyor. Pretend you’ve been shot dead. Go round and round like you’re in a James Bond movie. Watch people scatter.
As police arrive, escape to ground transportation. You did not get these ideas from me.