As a kid, I was never a star athlete or brainiac. But boy, I was a demon at figuring out the difference between nouns and verbs. I can still track down dangling prepositions and tenses not in agreement. This is all the more remarkable in that I am oblivious to everything else. If I drove home tonight and my house had burned down, I’d wonder why the garage door opener wasn’t working.
When people are confused by bad grammar, to whom do they turn? Those who use good grammar, that’s whom. Giants such as Mr. DeHart, my eighth grade English teacher. He taught us the fine art of diagramming sentences, a skill even more important in life’s journey than finding the hypotenuse of a right triangle.
There was no ambiguity in anything Mr. DeHart said. Not like those pesky outer space aliens in that old Twilight Zone episode. You know, where they came to earth and promised to “serve man.” Everyone thought they meant they’d cure disease and feed the masses, when they were actually conning us. Their fiendish plan? They intended to “serve man” to fellow invaders. With a side of coleslaw.
I’ve always believed in good grammar. As I advanced to high school and then college, I discovered it came in handy when asking girls out.
Me: How about I pick you up Friday at 7:00? We can go to the library and diagram some sentences.
Prospective Date: That rusty Plymouth Belvedere in the no-parking zone, is that yours?
Indeed it was. The one time a girl actually agreed to go out with me, when I picked her up, she fell through a rust-hole in the passenger-side floorboard. I didn’t notice until I saw her in my rear view mirror, sprawled out on her own driveway. I had to go on our date by myself.
Later on, I got into “grammar activism,” protesting to anyone who would listen that Miller Lite had “fewer,” not “less” calories.” Another slogan that perturbed me was “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Is a mind really a terrible thing? Finally, consider the admonition to “think big.” It should be “think bigly.” Look it up.
To see if you have what it takes to become a grammar activist, you’ll first want to see if you can work your magic at a cocktail party or funeral home visitation.
Grieving widow: The years passed so fast…
You: Actually that’s incorrect. It should be “The years passed so quickly.”
Grieving widow: Bite that man, therapy dog!
Don’t let therapy dogs or grieving widows intimidate you. We must all remain vigilant in stomping out poor grammar, not only at funeral homes, but when people text and drive. It is during these times when they are particularly vulnerable to using “your” when they meant to say “you’re.” Or “their” instead of “there.”
Support good grammar: make sure “i” comes before “e,” except after “c.” Help teenagers speak in a language we understand. Send your tax deductible donation to The Jerry Howell Good Grammar Foundation, c/o Midwest Business Exchange.
Did I say tax deductible? My bad.