On the Stress-o-Meter of Life, buying and remodeling a new home ranks up there with an IRS audit, getting fired, or listening to William Shatner sing “Mr. Tambourine Man.” Yet, the joys of home ownership are worth it, providing you seek out qualified professionals that include Realtors, contractors, and divorce attorneys.
Most people start out by purchasing an existing home. To find the perfect home, it’s best to seek out one of the 8,387 agents representing 34 actual properties. Inventory is admittedly tight, but you can still find the home of your dreams; that is, if you’re the first to “make an offer.” To do this, you may have to buy your new home sight unseen. Be aware, some property descriptions are open to interpretation. “Shopping nearby” could mean a liquor store is across the street; “Near public transportation” might refer to the Amtrak line that goes through the back yard. Press ahead. Buy the house before someone else gets it.
Congratulations! You are now a home owner. Before you move in, you’ll need to remodel. This is because the previous owner had hideous taste, the same as will be thought of you when you move out. Accept that six months after you replace all the appliances with stainless steel, HGTV will declare stainless is for losers—replaced by the latest in avocado green and harvest gold.
To get things going, you may want to avoid contractors that…
1. never give you a quote, but wave their arms around a lot while using the word “ballpark” as a verb.
2. accept leftover Vicodin from your medicine cabinet as payment.
3. drive a rusty white van with expired plates and press-on lettering.
Once you’ve fixed up your home the way you want it, you’ll want to sell it immediately and buy one bigger and better. But first, you’ll need to list your home. By now the market will have changed. There are only 34 Realtors still in business, but with 8,387 listings. Nothing is selling, so you’ll have to prepare your home for showing. Paint your rooms a neutral color. Hide everything, including toothbrushes. Dig a pit in your back yard. Throw everything in when your agent says he’s coming over with a prospective buyer.
Finally, be sure to call an exterminator and try to get rid of those stink bugs. Everybody’s got them, even in the winter. This is because stink bugs are crafty. They’ve even been known to ring the doorbell, and when the human opens the door, a stinkbug named “Hal” rushes in, where he impregnates a female stink bug named “Irene,” who subsequently lays 20 to 30 eggs, which is why everyone has stink bugs.
Actually, add stink bugs to my Most Stressful List. You can’t get rid of them.