It sneaks up on me every year. I scarcely have a chance to haul the Christmas tree to the curb and turn the page on the calendar, and there it looms: February 14th, Valentine’s Day. I hear a voice in my head: “What are you going to give Liz? What are you going to give Liz?”
“I don’t have a clue,” I tell my inner-voice. “I used up all my good ideas for Christmas. She liked the birdhouse with the camera in it, don’t you think?”
My inner-voice is unrelenting. “Valentine’s Day is for lovers, you idiot. Remember that time you got her the Rosetta Stone Spanish tapes? You went down in flames that year.”
I have to admit my inner-voice is right. I haven’t exactly been hitting homeruns lately. Most men face the same conundrum. Confronted with a deadline, they panic. They get in line at the first candy store or flower shop they see.
What’s a guy to do? It’s as if he’s been set up for failure. Hey wait a minute! Maybe I’m onto something. Valentine’s Day was undoubtedly invented by a woman—so men would fail. But why? To earn valuable Marriage Points, that’s why!
If you’re currently murmuring to yourself, “What are Marriage Points?” you’ve probably never been married. Marriage Points are a way a couple keeps track of who was right or wrong, who did something thoughtful or stupid, who bought tapes on learning Spanish for Valentine’s Day, etc. Marriage Points can be earned or lost at the drop of a hat. Points earned by the male expire, but a woman’s can last forever. Liz has mentally cataloged all my screw-ups from Day One. Such as the time I surprised her by yanking out the perennial garden she had worked on for years, thinking they were weeds:
ME (in the future, on my death bed): “It sure was nice of the grandkids (cough) … getting me…these flowers.”
LIZ: “Reminds me of the time 54 years ago when you destroyed my garden! It took me years to get it back to where it was, Jerry. I worked my fingers to the bone, Jerry……Jerry?”
I admit it. I make more mistakes than Liz. When she does goof up, it’s a rare opportunity for me to earn Marriage Points. Like the time she and our daughter got into a car crash – in our own driveway! Did I get mad? No, I did not. Instead, I assured them in a patronizing tone that such a crash “could happen to anyone.” I stealthily stored my point, not redeeming it until recently.
LIZ: “Your excess gas wrecked the Joneses’ dinner party…”
ME: “Yeah, kind of like when you and your daughter wrecked two cars in our driveway on January 23, 2013!”
My rapier-like response, utilizing a Marriage Point that was about to expire, neutralized Liz’s attempt to gain a point with her observation of my social faux pas. This proves the key to any marriage is communication, sharing of feelings, keeping score of who’s right and wrong, and of course, thoughtful gift-giving. This is especially important on Valentine’s Day. Look at the calendar; it’s just around the corner. Perhaps you hear your inner-voice asking: “Do they really have birdhouses with cameras in them?”
Yes, they do. Go out and buy one.