I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what. Everybody had been telling me I was “moving slow” and had a “blank look on my face.” What did they expect? I had just had a total knee replacement. And then there was the weak, hoarse voice, and trembling left hand. But so what? I was just getting older. I lost that argument. My wife tied me to the roof of our car with a bungee cord, and we headed to the Mayo Clinic.
Upon examination, the doctor — who I’ll call “Dr. Joe” because that was his name – told my wife and me, “I’ve determined that Jerry has Parkinson’s Disease.”
Before I could cry out “Why me? Why me?” Dr. Joe said, “This is not a death sentence. We’ll put you on some medication and with some luck you should live a fairly normal productive life.”
“Wait a minute!” I interrupted. “I’ve never been productive. You mean this will make me productive?”
The doctor continued. “We’ll start you off with a combination of carbidopa and levodopa. You’ll feel the difference in two to three weeks, and in a couple months, you should be feeling like your old self. However, after two to six years, the effects could abruptly wear off, and you could become a basket case. But hopefully, by that time we can try something new.”
“So what’s the downside, Doc,” I asked, “other than the basket case part?”
“Well, there ARE side effects with your medications,” cautioned Doctor Joe. “You could get Dyskinesia.”
“Is that dry skin?” I asked the doctor.
“Not exactly…” Doctor Joe’s voice trailed off with a hint of uncertainty, probably because he had never been asked such a probing question. “Dyskinesia is characterized by involuntary twitches or movements.”
“Like Michael J. Fox?”
“Correct,” but he has it worse than most. There’s another side effect of the medication. You could experience hallucinations, vivid dreams, and psychotic behavior.”
I was momentarily stunned. “You mean the pills could turn me into a psychopath?”
“Not quite, but about 20 percent of patients can become addicted to gambling, shopping, or sex.”
“Do I get to pick? I want the sex one!”
Doctor Joe redirected his eyes to my wife and continued. “. . . he could experience nausea, severe headaches, heart arrhythmia, sudden onset of sleep while, say, driving a car, neuroleptic malignant syndrome, altered consciousness, tachycardia, sweating, hypertension, leukocytosis, bleeding from the rectum, primary central nervous system pathology, and dry mouth. We’ve got a pill for each of those conditions. Except the dry mouth, of course.”
I wanted to ask more about becoming a sex addict, but was stopped short by an elbow to the ribs. We headed home in short order where I would:
- resume living,
- make a difference in the Parkinson’s community
- laugh at Parkinson’s
- all of the above
I think you know the correct answer. Speaking of which, if you see me hanging around a house of ill-repute, don’t tell my wife.