How come you’ve got so many coat hangers? Chances are you’ve never pondered such a weighty question. But think about it, has your wife ever said, “Please go to the store and pick up some milk, bread, and coat hangers?” Honestly, how many coat hangers have you ever taken home from the cleaners? Not many, I’d wager. So why is your closet jammed with them?
I have a theory. I think coat hangers have… sex.
To test my theory I threw four or five hangers into a box and took it down to the darkest corner of my basement. I returned three months later, and what did I find? Dozens of coat hangers, all tangled up in an impossible-to-separate pile. I tried to pull one out:
First coat hanger: I’ll let go if you let go.
Second coat hanger: No, I’ll let go if you let go!
Coat hangers may engage in illicit behavior, but at least they mind their own business. And they don’t jump out in front of you when you’re driving. But curbs do. Especially when it’s dark, rainy, and you can’t see jack because of all the reflections and glare.
It seems as if new curbs are birthed each night, with traffic engineers and landscape architects serving as midwives. Curbs are everywhere: in the middle of the road, sticking out in little juts from the sidewalk, in parking lots. They stick out their chins, daring car, motorcycle or snowplow to take their best shot. They know they’ll win every time.
I can relate.
A few years ago, an unnamed spousal unit, who may or may not have been my wife Liz, ran up a curb. What do you think it cost?
(a) Nothing. I’m just making it up.
(b) Five hundred bucks for a new rim and tire.
(c) $7,402.82
If you had guessed (c) you’d be right. And that doesn’t include the $100 tow and $900 car rental while the car was in the shop.
As a concerned citizen, what can you do? To start with, support only anti-curb candidates at the ballot box. Write your congressman. Attend town hall meetings to make your voice known. If all that doesn’t work, rent a backhoe and rip out the curbs at 2:00 in the morning.
Be forewarned: most cops have no sense of humor. So if they chase you down, race home, run into your house, and hide in the basement. Next to the coat hangers. You’ll hear their mischief.
