Women used to get their hair done at the beauty parlor. Then one day, somebody came up with an idea, “If we offer a selection of international teas while customers wait, we can raise our price. And if we play relaxing New Age music and burn incense, we can charge even more.”
Customers fell for it. Before you knew it, hairdressers became stylists and beauty parlors became spas. Prices skyrocketed. A new federal law mandated that a cutesy pun be included in their DBA’s. Businesses with double entendre names such as “Shearer Experience” and “Curl Up and Dye” proliferated. As competition intensified, a few operators began asking themselves, “Why even cut hair when most of our profit is in the add-ons?” Presto change-o, the Day Spa was invented.
My wife Liz and I just got back from Northern California, where we visited our daughter Amanda and her boyfriend Andrew. Amanda arranged a day spa surprise. Upon arrival we were, of course, offered tea. Then Andrew and I got ushered to a room with a big tub in it. It was filled with, not warm water, but cedar chips. Andrew and I disrobed together (can you spell “awkward?”), and we jumped in. We postulated these were no ordinary cedar chips. These were composting cedar chips, specially formulated to suck the toxins and free radicals right out of us.
The internal temperature of our personal compost heap quickly approached that of a nuclear plant meltdown. Luckily, the spa lady came in and told us “time was up.” She showed us to the shower where we stood under torrents of cool water and I discovered the challenge of rinsing chunks of bark from my arm pits and butt cheeks.
Later on, we did wine tasting, saw drag queens run the community bingo game, and even took a lesson on how to play the didgeridoo. California leads the nation in foo-foo and tofu, in tai chi and chai tea. I like Northern California. It’s fun, but wildly expensive, especially for housing:
SCHLUB LOOKING FOR HOME: Gee, three hundred thousand for a 2000 square foot home. That’s not so bad.
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Are you nuts? That’s for a tent in the backyard. You get 2000 square inches.
My daughter actually found a place near Santa Rosa for less than you’d expect. This is because she lives on the side of a mountain and actually has to walk up sixty-three steps to get to her front door. Over the years, most real estate agents could make it only halfway, leaving their skeletal remains that still grasp for the handrail. If you visit and get to the top, and the defibrillator starts your heart again, Amanda will likely treat you to vegan dishes that are much tastier than you’d expect. And if you promise not to eat beef, she may even take you to the day spa.
Where they won’t cut your hair.