Only three things matter when you’re down on your luck,
I’ve gone to a lot of funerals recently. In each case, the deceased just laid there, unsmiling, conveying the impression there were places they’d much rather be.
It seems like yesterday I heard the word “blog” for the first time. I thought they were saying “blob.
Most men believe the following:
(1) We are God’s gift to womankind, especially when preening in front of the bathroom mirror in our underwear, even if it’s while wearing dark support stockings, the kind Ed McMahon wore when he crossed his legs on The Tonight Show
Smokers get a bad rap. Most people think smokers “have a filthy habit, drain our health care system, and deserve to die—as long as it’s a hundred yards from the hospital entrance.”
How come you’ve got so many coat hangers? Chances are you’ve never pondered such a weighty question. But think about it, has your wife ever said, “Please go to the store and pick up some milk, bread, and coat hangers?”
My neighbors have always asked me, “Jerry, how do you keep your lawn, garden, and landscaping so immaculate? It’s so green and lush!”
Ha! Ha! I’m lying. My neighbors have never said that.
After you pick yourself up off the floor because you fell asleep whilst reading it, you grab another book, this one called Forbidden Loins. You flip it open.
On the Stress-o-Meter of Life, buying and remodeling a new home ranks up there with an IRS audit, getting fired, or listening to William Shatner sing “Mr. Tambourine Man.”