My neighbors have always asked me, “Jerry, how do you keep your lawn, garden, and landscaping so immaculate? It’s so green and lush!”
Ha! Ha! I’m lying. My neighbors have never said that. My lawn looks horrible every year, especially when I had two German Shepherds. Not content to merely beat the crap out of it and crap all over it, they resorted to dragging stuff from my garage and abandoning it. Over the years, my lawn accoutrements have included half-eaten tennis shoes, a bicycle tire, and an eaves trough they pulled from the house. One dog, a 140 pound lab-shepherd mix, hauled out my beer empties, bit them in half, and left broken glass strewn in his wake, no worse for the wear.
So what do my neighbors think? Do they hate me? Am I the scourge of the neighborhood? Of course not! They love me. That’s because their mediocre lawns look spectacular by comparison. It’s the same mentality as when we discover an ex-Hollywood star is down on his luck. We wait in the supermarket checkout lane and notice the gripping headline in the National Enquirer. Former Child Actor on Verge of Breakdown!
We guiltily flip through the pages, making sure no one we know sees us. The article describes how the former star has sunk into depression, been convicted of shoplifting, sent to rehab, and suffers from a really bad case of cellulite. If you don’t believe it, just look at the revealing picture of the former child star, now grown, in a swimsuit. So we do. “Wow!” we think. “My ass doesn’t look anywhere near that big!” If there is any one place to celebrate mediocrity, it is at the nearest supermarket checkout lane.
One doesn’t just fall into mediocrity; you have to plan for it. It all starts in the schools. A “C” used to indicate mediocrity, but with grade inflation, that’s no longer the case. We therefore need to encourage kids to reach for the grade of “B –.” Nobody notices you when you get a B-. It is the perfect “in between” grade. It’s far enough from an “A” so as to not create unwanted pressure, yet it’s not a “C” either, so it looks like you’re giving it your best shot.
Mediocrity should also define your personal work habits. Let’s say your wife wants you to “do your part” and make the bed. Calmly explain that, why should you, it’s going to get all messed up again anyway. The same goes for shoveling the snow (it will melt), dusting (it will all resettle), and of course, picking up all that dog crap (the flies will eat it).
If a city inspector visits your house, describe the concept of mediocrity. Offer him a beer. Then tell him your neighbors don’t mind your yard. Really they don’t.
