As we get ready for back-to-school, it’s an opportunity to reflect on the fact that “tomorrow’s leaders” are in our midst. They are our nation’s future engineers, nuclear plant technicians, unemployed English majors, and doctors who, at some point in time, will slice you open and remove innards you didn’t know you had. They are our sons and daughters. Yes, the same sons and daughters who, at this very moment, are texting or tweeting or whatever it is kids do nowadays. To make sure these young people are ready to “take over,” we must first impart our wisdom to them– so they don’t make a wreck of the world like we did.
Do you still have an old high school yearbook? Flip through the pages and discover a hidden truth: there is no correlation between sociability and future success. In fact, some of the biggest losers turned out to be the biggest winners. If you’ve ever attended a high school reunion, you know what I mean: the star football player yammers on about gridiron exploits from thirty years ago, while that goofy kid from 2nd hour English splits atoms in a cyclotron and has a smoking-hot wife.
Since being cool has nothing to do with nothing, you should not worry if your kid is “popular.” In fact, you should go out of your way to make the opposite true, as it will build character. Just as you had to suffer through a socially awkward, pimple-riddled adolescence, your kid should, too. First and foremost, remember:
DANCING IS BAD
It’s a proven scientific fact that dancing can lead to many other things. Make sure your kids are never exposed to music, other than Lawrence Welk and Conway Twitty. This is because music encourages foot-tapping, which leads to dancing, which leads to going to a prom every two months, from middleschool on, and have you seen the price of prom dresses? Believe me, if your kid dances like Herman Munster, he’ll achieve unpopularity and do his homework. Plus, he won’t bug you to buy him…..
A FANCY CAR
An automobile, more than anything, can lead to popularity and future ruin. It’s best to make your kid walk everywhere, preferably uphill, but if he does have to drive, make sure the vehicle has a high embarrassment quotient. My first car was a 1956 Plymouth Belvedere with a push-button transmission. It had rust holes in the floorboards as large as manhole covers, and if I ever did have a date, which was never, she’d have undoubtedly fallen through to the driveway when I picked her up and I’d have left without her.
You obviously can’t get your kid a 60 year-old Plymouth. But you could get a 30 year-old trusty-not-sorusty Suburban, which I just happen to have for sale. It’s as large as a battleship but with a wider turning radius. $4000 or best offer. I know that sounds high, but I’ve replaced every part on it at least once. The steering wheel is original, however.
There’s one other way to make sure your kids don’t get too popular. And that’s to dress them stupid, which you may have noticed, they already do. Just to make sure, you’ll want to accompany them on an annual rite of passage also known as…
SHOPPING FOR BACK-TO-SCHOOL
It’s best to get a head start. Start the day after school lets out in June. This will give you plenty of time to assist your kid in making the proper wardrobe selections. Avoid stores at the mall that display signs with anorexic fashion models that appear angry because you just delayed them on their way to the Cannes Film Festival. Start with shoes and work your way up. Doc Martin’s are good because they look like bricks but weigh more. Then get them clothing you would buy for yourself. If your kids tell you they hate you, get them a Roy Rogers lunchbox. Sooner or later, they’ll come to understand that…
COOLNESS IS OVERRATED
It’s time to hit the books.